Emotions...

I have been dealing with many emotions lately. Some of them good and some of them bad. I really hate to admit it but most of the emotions I am dealing with are not so good. I am growing depressed by all of the relationships in my life that have fallen apart over the past year. I want to make them right but cannot find the courage to. For some reason I feel like there is no hope so why try? This could stem from my childhood, or simply from the Devil not wanting me to be reunited with certain people. I am also hurting in my marriage. Not because Kevin and I do not get along, but because we are under so much fire that we are simply breaking down. It is a rare day that one or the other of us aren't upset or angry about something. Kevin even told me I was biting my lip in my sleep last night! We need to get away terribly to renew our spirits but have nowhere to leave our children, and I have a hard time leaving the boys too. I fear that the boys are also being affected by the stress in the house. I know they can feel it! Our court dates keep getting pushed back, which is a good thing and a bad thing. A good thing because it means more time together as a family before possibly getting our patriarch taken away. A bad thing because it allows more time for us to fall apart from within, to worry about what might be around the bend instead of just getting it over with.

I really wasn't doing this bad before. I had a wonderful friend to talk to who always encouraged me with Bible verses and kind words. Kevin was also less stressed when this all started happening, and even though he didn't know it, he was my earthly rock because he was so calm about it all. People were more interested before and would talk to us and help us through this. Now that things aren't going very fast I guess people just assume we are ok for now. I don't know if anyone really reads my ramblings, but we are not ok. We are drowning and as much as we pray there are no answers. I know that sometimes answers come in their own time...but we need to see the light at the end of this tunnel. We have so many dreams and aspirations that we want to work on, but cannot see starting them with the uncertainty looming over our heads. Don't get me wrong, I know there is always uncertainty, but this is KNOWING something will happen in the near future and not knowing which way it will throw you. I just wish I had an encourager...someone on this earth I could talk to besides Kevin's family...until then I will just have to keep blogging on a downer day.