Angry with myself...
Just trying to unload here to get it off my mind...
I am pretty upset with myself right now. I got thirty dollars to spend on myself for my birthday. Because we don't have much money I used it on the household things we needed. The reason I am upset is because I was upset that I didn't get to use it on the paints that I wanted to get with it...my supply is getting low. I realized I was just being selfish and got even more upset at myself!
...So when the person that gave me the money found out what I spent it on they went, "Uht, that's not a present!" Then the same person asked later when my last eye exam was...I replied that it has been 7 or 8 years. I got a raised voice at me again. I wanted to reply, "What? I am a wife and a mom, my family comes first." But didn't because I don't really stand up for myself.
Anyway, my question...if anyone is reading this is...I don't think I'm alone? Surely every mother gives up her wants and needs for her husband and children...right? I felt completely ostracized by this other mother for not doing for myself. Is it really so bad to give all you have for your family?
Well, this was just a late night rant so I could unload...and I know I probably contradicted myself but maybe now I will be able to sleep instead of thinking about it all night! Goodnight cyber world!
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It's been too long!
I have a lot going through my mind...thought I'd share in cyberspace and see what happens from there!
One big thing I am struggling with today is midwifery. I have found a few courses that would allow me to do all my training online and come out prepared for testing to be a CPM. Now CPM's are not legal in Indiana. However I could try to find a midwife to work with. There is one problem though...it's midwifery training and therefore cannot accept financial aid. They are working on this, but apparently it can take up to 5 years! The two courses I looked at were $21,000...not including the books and equipment, or the $2100 worth of classes I'd have to take beforehand. I am starting to think that I will never become a midwife! Kevin keeps on encouraging me, knowing full well it is my dream and passion. Someone else told me to try to study on my own and test out. I think I would do better with assignments and deadlines though!
Oh other things today are just drama, drama, drama! Woke up to Ephraim screaming bloody murder like he hadn't eaten in days (It had been two hours!) and Joel begging one of us to take him to the refrigerator! Then we had everything planned out...and that's where we went wrong! Ended up there was a lot of drama Monday night with some family members. Us, being the compassionate, caring people we are, got sucked into the drama. Not sure which side of the fence I am on with that drama! Found out that another family member and her daughter which just turned two were in a pretty bad auto accident. They will be ok, but obviously pretty shaken. I cannot imagine what I would do if I was in an accident with one of my children! Another family members husband has gone batty and tried to take on police. He is still "armed and dangerous, on the loose." They do not know if he has taken his own life or not as they have not heard from him in a while. I guess my great grandma is not doing very well. As soon as she was put in the nursing home she started forgetting people and also had to go on a liquid diet. The son of my former midwife is having seizures. As far as I know they still do not know what is causing them. Prayer for these burdens would be lovely. And I thank anyone who would pray.
Kevin and I discussed at length if we would start to allow people back into our lives. We didn't think it was right that my parents not be allowed to see their grand-kids once in a while. However, I'll have to admit that I was leery of letting them back in. In the end it was quick to forgive Kevin who said we should try. It seems to be ok so far. I know what a stretch this is for Kevin though. What should happen if this comes up in court, could letting people back in our circle jeopardize his future? He says he doesn't care, that it's the right thing to do...and in the word of the midwife, "if prison is where God wants me then that's where I'll be." Some days Kevin is so strong, and some days he struggles a lot. One of our many motto's is that we will make it, no matter what.
On a lighter note...baby updates! Joel has manifested himself as "class clown." The kid can make you laugh even when you've had a rough day. He can also make you laugh when you are trying to get him into trouble. He's cute and he knows it! He's also extremely smart! And he has many words...like what, why, pee (penis), E-um (Ephraim), shoes, eyes, who's that, what's that, chin, walk, Melmo (Elmo), nose, ear, me,dog, boo, boobie, Daddy, Mom, hi, bye. I am sure there's something I am forgetting...but you get the picture! Ephraim, I swear he can say hi...but then, I know he can't! He sure can talk your ear off though! Daddy and his brother get instant smiles from him. It takes a little bit of baby talk from me to get a smile out of him. Someday I may have a child that likes me better than their daddy...but I don't know cause he's such a like-able guy! Ephraim is a little sauna! He always seems to be much hotter than the rest of us! Although his hands and feet get clammy too! He is so big already too! Where did the time go? I suppose at 2am it is time to head for bed!
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