Another letter from Kevin...

Pease remember this is from a man seperated from his family...and he is in a place none of us can even begin to imagine, physically and emotionally. He needs to get things off his chest too. He is just like me and keeps his anger hidden until he blows his top. I am so glad to see he has learned to try and at least write his feelings down. Before you had to drag this stuff out of him! I encouraged him to start a blog a while ago and I think only ever posted one thing! But now, at least, he has found an outlet for his emotions! He told me a couple weeks ago that their church service was on forgiveness and that he finally broke down and cried in front of all of them. He talked about how hard it was to show them his weakness but how nobody judged him for it. He talked to them about how he felt he was wronged and how it was so hard to forgive. Then a little later in our visit he actually laughed! So without further intro, here's the letter I found in his property:

1-09-12 4:30a.m. Stuff on my mind. Enjoy.

I don't know how to put this. I hate being here, I can not stand it! Every night I can not sleep at all. I have to stay awake until I am dog tired so that I can go to sleep. I can't stand it! If I try to lay down and go to sleep I start to think about stuff. About the hate that I have. I try to pray and ask God to help me forgive people. I try to pray for the devil to leave me alone, but it still comes up. I just want to start yelling. I can't stand this. Why does this have to happen to me? Even now when I am writing this letter the frustration is blinding. Every thing seems to hit me at once, like my spelling and stuff. And ways to write it and how to write it. Right now I am getting mad at this stupid letter just because of me writing it! I have no clue how to stop it except to get exhausted. And yes, I know I can not let it get to me, but you know, it's a lot harder to let go than you think. I mean, I'd rather write it down on paper than talk about it to someone. And it seems if I talk about it the madder I get and the more I want to drop it. There is so much I want to say to people, but I am so afraid of saying something stupid and making myself look stupid. Like this letter. I feel like I am stupid for writing it because of my spelling and whatever comes with it. I hate it! And if I seek out help I feel even more retarded. I just want to be done with it all. I hate this part of my life. Being in here and all the crap I am being put through. Part of me wants to go insane! I mean go completely overboard, start yelling at whoever crosses my path. There are a lot, a lot, of people I would love to yell at right now. I don't care who I hurt at all. In ways the people who did this and let this happen have created a monster. They just better stay the h*** away from me when I get out cause I will bite their heads off. And NO, I do not want to talk about it, that will just make things worse for me and other people. In a way I want to deal with it on my own. You know, I think writing this stuff down will help me a little. I am going to start speaking my mind and I'm going to start telling people what I think. I will point stuff out when I see it!

More adventures?...

Bad posts later...but for now...I am going to post about some things I am thinking of starting. I didn't want to be one of those crazy busy moms that never did anything but run, run, run though!

I think there is a need here in Clinton county for a support group for women who have husbands/partners in jail or prison. Just somewhere to let it all out and be able to cry with others who are going through the same thing. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have faith, or people around who are praying for us. I can't imagine some of these women who don't have anyone to talk to. It makes me sad.

Along those same lines, Clinton county jail doesn't have any programs to teach inmates how to take care of the infants they may be going home to. To some of us it's second nature, to others it's not. I'd love to teach childbirth classes and infant care classes to the inmates.

Again, along those same lines, in the area jails there are pregnant inmates. These women may have done stuff wrong, but they still deserve love and support during such an emotional time! Can you imagine not being allowed anyone but the hospital staff and a guard or two in the room while you are laboring? No support at all from friend or family? I have read about a group of women who go in and offer doula support to the inmates. As far as I know there aren't any programs around here like that.

I just feel like Kevin and I have all these things pressed on our hearts and we always ignore them! So it isn't any wonder we are in the mess we are in now! You just can't ignore a calling to help others. What do you think of my ventures? Do you know someone who needs support? Maybe you could ask them what they think!

Emotions...

I have had quite the range of emotions today. But I don't want to let the bad emotions get me down.

In case you aren't my friend on Facebook, you have missed todays drama. But I guess I should start with last nights breakthrough. My last post detailed all that our family has been through in the last couple of years. Some people clearly don't get how rough it is...or don't care. I get the feeling that there are people who think that Kevin ("the criminal") and his family should not be allowed to have anger or emotions in this whole situation. Or if we do have emotions we should just keep our mouths shut so they can stay comfortable with their decision to break up a family.

After writing last nights post I saw a friend on Facebook post a prayer request for our family. Many others said they were praying for us. I felt the love and completely lost it! I started praying...just laying it all out before the Lord. I prayed about many things. And in my prayer I got this revelation. Kevin and I have been through all of this junk and no matter how many times we have both wanted to bow out we didn't! We didn't give up, we kept the faith, knowing God would bring us through this storm. Then I felt this peace, and it really did surpass all my understanding. With the peace came this, we have been through the fire, now we can move mountains! We can move mountains.

Just like any other time when Kevin and I thought we were starting to get a grip on this situation....whamo! Kevin was moved to RDC today. I didn't know about it until after I bought him $40 worth of phone cards that he will never get. I took them up to turn them in (they are special ones that can only be used in the facility where they were bought) and there was some discussion with officers looking back at the boys and I. The officer that was helping us came back and said, "Uh, he was moved today." Are you kidding me? The devil must really be scared of the George team for some reason because every time something amazing happens to us there is ALWAYS something equally terrible that happens to try and bring us down again. Well, it's not going to work! We shall overcome! We are focusing on helping others and raising our own children. We have both ignored the calling many times, and we cannot afford to ignore it anymore!! Pray for us!

Not sure...

Not sure what I am trying to say here. I am really between a rock and a hard place. I love my husband and I love my family. I know Kevin's letter below will tick some people off...family that is. But are my husband and I to keep our emotions hidden and smile like nothing is wrong? Something is wrong...our family is seperated! No one can really understand what we are going through unless they have been through the same situation. We have lived in hell for the past two years...wondering if someone would come take our children from us, wondering if someone would come take Kevin, wondering if someone would decide they were done screwing around with our lives and put a bullet in Kevin's head, we haven't been able to pay our bills, Kevin couldn't keep his jobs because of the stress, hospital and doctors visits because of anxiety, panic attacks, children not understanding why all of a sudden you just couldn't put up with their crap anymore...the list could go on forever. Do you realize what things like this can do to people? How about the fact that most of that list is still true to this day, and will be for at least the next two years, if not the rest of our lives? How about the couple's relationship that spent most of the summer struggling because the husband thought the best way for his family to get through all of this was divorce...at least that way her family would accept her fully because he wouldn't be in the picture anymore. How about a man who was so broken over the whole situation that he was going to kill himself. How about the wife who wondered why her husband hadn't come in from the garage yet and if she goes out there will she find him hanging from the rafters? Oh, what about the man who had to be told he has to let his children go now because we are late for court, and knowing that was probably the last time for a long time that he would be able to hold his own kids? Are you crying yet? Because I am. 

A Letter Kevin Wanted Me to Share...

Kevin is sitting in Clinton County Jail right now with two charges. One he did not do...and I believe him. And one he did do and said he would take punishment for. I do believe he is sorry for the one he did...and I also know he is very bitter and full of hate against the people that accused him of the other. I am going to write his P.S. at the beginning so you can keep it in mind when you read his letter. This letter was written around the holidays when he was in a bad spot emotionally and mentally. He wanted me to share this with everyone, so they know how he feels...but he may regret it later. It's a little harsh. I have fixed spelling and major grammar.

From Kevin:

P.S. For people who read this: I may have forgot that I wrote this and I would like it if you can drop it because I have already spent two years of my life and the life of my family in prison. And I and my family have lost a lot of sleep over this. Sorry for this next part, all of you stupid people better hope that I come out a better man than when I came in here. Which might be hard to do because I was a good man when I came in here. I hope and pray that you people are willing to learn from what you have done. Don't go and get all slap happy, this is not a threat. I am just saying that I am going to come out a lot more head strong from this. I hope and pray things get better for everyone. So have a good day. And don't let the things I said get you down. Just learn from what you did and think first.

Hello to whoever is going to read this. I am sitting in jail writing this stupid letter. Not caring about my spelling or anything like that right now. I really hate my stupid life. I have a wife and two boys at home that I love very much, even though I lie to my wife over and over again. I hate how stupid I am. I can not live like this. I just want to end it all. I hate this place. I don't like some of the people that are around me. I just want to go home and do nothing. No, not nothing. I want to eat good food and all that stuff. And the longer I sit here I get more and more mad about stuff. Like why I am in here and how it was handled. I am stupid and I am very sorry for what I have done and I hope that some day people will forgive me for it. And just so you know, this makes me sick, what I have done. There was no forgiveness, no second chance, none of that. I was going to say I was sorry and I hope I still get the chance. But people can't see that I was ashamed for what I did. All they cared about was that they did not get their apology when they wanted it. Well, I am sorry for that, but I had to work up the courage and strength to say it. And that is another thing I am mad about. People who lied to me. If you hate to get lied to don't lie to me. People had said that they will give me time to say that I was sorry. But nooo, they prayed about it and God told them to go to the cops. I am sorry for my language, but that was a bullshit lie! And shame on whoever believed that two faced liar. Sorry, but I do not have any respect for him and I so not feel like I should say I am sorry for that. I will say sorry to her because I am really truly sorry and am ashamed of it. But I will not have any respect or trust at all for her other half because he lied to me and other people more than once. I hid my feelings about him because I could not judge for people anymore. They had to judge for them selves and they were blinded by that one little lie and I am suffering for it.

I will say that I am sorry for one thing that may have accidentally happened and I did not know that any thing was touched. If it was really touched at all, So I will say that I am sorry for that. I will hope and pray that I can get or give forgiveness for what ever has happened and for the souls that are involved and for my soul.

Christians and Lawsuits...

There are days when I let my Bible open up to wherever it decides...I always think that maybe there is something in the passages that fall open that I need to read. And lo and behold, today opened up to something I have been struggling with in the past couple of weeks. It comes from 1st Corinthians...

1 If any of you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the Lord’s people? 2 Or do you not know that the Lord’s people will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? 3 Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life! 4 Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, do you ask for a ruling from those whose way of life is scorned in the church? 5 I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? 6 But instead, one brother takes another to court—and this in front of unbelievers!


7 The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? 8 Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers and sisters. 9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God?

Many of you have read before that Kevin and I are struggling in a court battle currently. I have analyzed the accusations made against my husband every which way but upside down...I do not believe that the accusations are true and have no problem telling people that. Although, I really cannot go into detail at this point in time, sorry. Let's just say the lawyers we've had are also scratching their heads wondering what the heck the other party was thinking.

Anyway, back to the scripture and such. Someone dared to take an accusation before the ungodly law before even trying to figure out what had really happened, if anything. Someone jumped to conclusions before stopping and listening. Someone took another believer to court, and all this for unbelievers to see and say, "Look at those Christian's stab each other in the back, why do I want anything to do with Jesus if that's what it will be like?" And verse 8 that says, "Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers and sisters." That is literal for me! My sister and her husband are the ones that are putting us through this. They are also lying about it in the court room just to get ahead. I have a gut wrenching feeling that they know it too, they just don't care because they want to save face and not admit that they are wrong. Many lies have been told on their part, go figure that I don't have any evidence for this, just me and my kitchen walls! Kevin and I have tried to be extremely honest in our part of this situation, because not only did he do nothing wrong, we also feel that we will not pull through this and be blessed by telling lies.

I know some of you are still probably thinking, yeah well her husband is lying. Well, I know he's not. I was there with him! I can recall in my head the two times things supposedly happened...and I was right there!! Now do you honestly think that if my husband was doing something wrong I am going to stand there and let him do it?! HECK NO! I am going to be heading for the frying pan to use on his skull. But will the fact that I was right there hold up in court? No. Why not? I am his wife and would be seen as trying to "protect him." Because that is what all women do...nope sorry, if he did do something wrong he should pay...if he didn't then someone should step forward, admit that they were wrong, and be done with this whole mess! Hahaha... Until then, we are stuck...we aren't able to move forward until all of this is behind us...and we have things we are looking forward to doing in our lifetimes, to help others out. But alas, some people don't think about others...they only think about themselves getting ahead and being right all the time. Guess we'll all have to deal with those types of people at some point in our lives...

A peaceful dinner...

While looking up verses about hatred today I found one I really liked that I have never heard before...that I know of. I haven't been living under a rock...I grew up in a Christian household...just don't recall if I've heard this one before...

Proverbs 15:17 Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.

I love it! It's better to eat a "salad" with people who love you, than it is to eat a big ol' steak with those who hate you or with those you hate or where hatred reigns. I guess I love it because, like everyone else I am sure, I have had both experiences. Quite literally. I have eaten dinner with those I love most and it is one of my most favorite things to do...because, well, you are surrounded in love. I remember, when I was little and my dad would be working close by, I always wanted to go meet him for lunch. It was a silly little thing really, but even to this day it makes me happy! On the other hand, I have had to break people's hearts a couple of times lately by telling them that if "so and so" were going to be at dinner that my family would not be able to attend...no matter how yummy dinner would be...it would automatically be soured...it is not a nice feeling to feel out of place because someone does not like you or a part of you anyway.

Taking this verse a little deeper...wouldn't it be a lot nicer to be with those you love in a poor country being missionaries filled with and surrounded by love...than to be in a huge mansion with swimming pools, hot tubs, fancy sheets, and fancy cars with those you dislike and who are probably not very nice people??

So what do you do? Avoid the person/situation at all costs? Probably not. The thing, whatever it is that's there, needs to be taken care of...as hard as it may be. But why not balance it with the nice "meals" with those that love you? Time to break out the herbs so the dinner of steak is more easily digested!! (LoL!!)

(Sorry for any confusing statements or mis-spellings or typos...it's late and I am going to bed!) :-)