My daily struggle with hatred...

-A post by a friend reminded me that I have been meaning to post about my daily struggle with hatred. I don't wish to post this to ruffle feathers...it just helps clear my mind if I write a little about it.-

Proverbs 10:18 He that hideth hatred with lying lips, and he that uttereth a slander, is a fool.

I have always known, as have many people, that there were some people who just didn't like my husband. One of them being his old youth pastor, who he had a previous history with, and has a current court battle with. Yes, I did say court battle.

The first instance that I saw between the youth pastor and my husband was when he put my husband down constantly in his youth class. It was not a case of me and my love bird eyes seeing things that were not there...there were kids in the youth that went to the pastor of the church on my husbands behalf because it was so bad! You would think after so many years of struggling with this one person we would get wise and give up. (Another Bible verse entirely...) But ever the ones who try to do the right thing, ever the ones who hate knowing that people don't like them, ever the ones who are very trusting of almost everyone around us, we kept trying. Then there came a point in the relationship where it seemed to be getting better. And once again we were duped into a false sense of security. Then it happened, DRAMA. And never one to stay out of drama our "hater" got in on it and made up some nasty stuff just to have their piece of the drama pie.

This brings me to the verse above...Proverbs 10:18 "He that hideth hatred with lying lips, and he that uttereth a slander, is a fool." I'm not gonna lie and say that I don't struggle with thoughts of hatred towards this person! I have to ask forgiveness for the thoughts that come into my head every time I think of the person. However I wanna talk about the person for a second. We've "caught" this person in lies before...we looked past them because this person sees in "black and white" and we thought that maybe they had a different view of things than we did. However, when it came to the court and the things said person said, after swearing to tell the truth, it is clear to us that the person is hiding his hatred with lies and intends on "ruining" Kevin's life once and for all.

No one can put their finger on where the hatred stems from. Some say that it is because said person stated once that they "do not like people that are taller than them". (No joke, heard from multiple sources at different times! RIDICULOUS!!) Kevin is almost 6' 5" so he is taller than most people. Some have said the hatred stems from Kevin, as a child of 12 or so, saying something to the effect of "I'm taller than you!" to said person. Like I said, no one really knows...but it is a long stemming hatred that seems like it will never end. My point with the verse...Proverbs 10:18 "He that hideth hatred with lying lips, and he that uttereth a slander, is a fool."...is this, it brings me great pleasure in knowing that God's word says that this lying person is a fool because this person thinks the world of them self. To know that God will bring this person down a peg or two some day makes me happy. As horrific as that sounds on my part it's the truth. But what about the plank in my eye? Believe me, I know I am a sinner, I know I am a fool, I know that there are people out there that will think less of me for telling how I feel...and while I hate, hate, hate that...I have to realize that this is my journey and if this post offends you I am sorry. I truly am. This is something I needed to get off my chest for a while and let someone else bear the burden for a bit. I am sick of yelling at my husband and my kids because my mind is so cluttered. I'm sick of not sleeping well because I worry too much. I am dead sick of all the lies and bull crap in my life.

Is this one person written about above the only one who brings conflict and strife into my life? Ell no!! My husband, my kids, my family, his family, MYSELF, there is conflict and strife all around...always will be because you cannot please everyone. At the moment though, hatred is my main struggle...and I pray daily for it to go away and leave me alone...

(I intended to get to more hatred verses and focus more on myself...but this verse was at the top of my list and the word vomit flowed freely! Sorry it was so long!!)

Infant Circumcision...

This is part of the reason why I regret Joel's circumcision...the other part of my regret comes from the fact that it wasn't my decision to make.

Warning: This video shows an actual infant circumcision.

Dearest Joel,

I have been thinking of you a lot lately. Every time I see an article on circumcision I cringe. I know now that our decision to circumcise you was not a good one. What is even worse were our reasons...we thought that because circumcision is in the Bible that meant you needed to be circumcised. We now realize that God loves you even if you are kept whole. He does not care whether or not you are circumcised. What God really cares about is what is in your heart. Whether or not you follow him and live according to his Holy word.

I knew the minute I heard your screams from the hospital nursery that we had chosen wrong. You're never really going to remember what your daddy's looks like and maybe you'd never even care. I very much regret not rushing into that nursery and scooping you up off of that cold hard board you were strapped down to. I very much regret letting anyone touch you with a knife in your most private area against your will. It should have been your decision and I am sorry that your father and I made it for you. I can only hope and pray that from our horrible decision good will come. I hope and pray that we can impact others to think twice about circumcision. It was not our choice to make, it was not our body we were scarring...but until you are old enough to talk to me about it my mind is scarred and I am very sorry.

I love you very very much,
Mommy

Relationships...

2010 was the year of broken relationships in our household. Many close relationships fizzled out or just died suddenly and unexpectedly. It was a really depressing year speckled with hope here and there. Some of our relationships are on the mend...even though the trials within those relationships are not over and they are subject to go south again! Some people from our past have popped up again and reformed friendships...and there are some new relationships!

Some of the upswings we had in 2010 were...of course in June we had our second bundle of joy. The end of the pregnancy with him was rough, and resulted in a lost relationship. There were weeks where all I wanted to do was cry. But then Ephraim arrived on his due date...in the hospital, not at home as planned. And as much as it stung that he was born in the hospital...when I wanted him to be born at home...I will always remember the doctor looking at me and saying, "You could have stayed at home, you didn't need me at all!" And that was like a salve to my wounds.



In September our little big boy turned two! It doesn't seem that long ago that he was born! But he's talking now and he is so big! I remember when the kid didn't have a neck! Now his neck is so long and strong! His eyes are still very blue and beautiful! And he's still an adorable blondie!



In November, after seven months of unemployment, Kevin got a job! In his first three days on the job he had 40 hours! He is making more now than he ever has...although he's gone a lot longer every day. He really likes his job. The guys really like him and they call him their brother. It's a blessing.

We hope and pray that 2011 will be a better year than 2010. It has the makings to be a worse year...but we cannot dwell on that and are trying to look forward. And to end on the upswing...


Granted it's a month or more old...but newer pictures will have to wait a little until I can get them on here! :-)

Emotions...

I have been dealing with many emotions lately. Some of them good and some of them bad. I really hate to admit it but most of the emotions I am dealing with are not so good. I am growing depressed by all of the relationships in my life that have fallen apart over the past year. I want to make them right but cannot find the courage to. For some reason I feel like there is no hope so why try? This could stem from my childhood, or simply from the Devil not wanting me to be reunited with certain people. I am also hurting in my marriage. Not because Kevin and I do not get along, but because we are under so much fire that we are simply breaking down. It is a rare day that one or the other of us aren't upset or angry about something. Kevin even told me I was biting my lip in my sleep last night! We need to get away terribly to renew our spirits but have nowhere to leave our children, and I have a hard time leaving the boys too. I fear that the boys are also being affected by the stress in the house. I know they can feel it! Our court dates keep getting pushed back, which is a good thing and a bad thing. A good thing because it means more time together as a family before possibly getting our patriarch taken away. A bad thing because it allows more time for us to fall apart from within, to worry about what might be around the bend instead of just getting it over with.

I really wasn't doing this bad before. I had a wonderful friend to talk to who always encouraged me with Bible verses and kind words. Kevin was also less stressed when this all started happening, and even though he didn't know it, he was my earthly rock because he was so calm about it all. People were more interested before and would talk to us and help us through this. Now that things aren't going very fast I guess people just assume we are ok for now. I don't know if anyone really reads my ramblings, but we are not ok. We are drowning and as much as we pray there are no answers. I know that sometimes answers come in their own time...but we need to see the light at the end of this tunnel. We have so many dreams and aspirations that we want to work on, but cannot see starting them with the uncertainty looming over our heads. Don't get me wrong, I know there is always uncertainty, but this is KNOWING something will happen in the near future and not knowing which way it will throw you. I just wish I had an encourager...someone on this earth I could talk to besides Kevin's family...until then I will just have to keep blogging on a downer day.

More photos!

Angry with myself...

Just trying to unload here to get it off my mind...

I am pretty upset with myself right now. I got thirty dollars to spend on myself for my birthday. Because we don't have much money I used it on the household things we needed. The reason I am upset is because I was upset that I didn't get to use it on the paints that I wanted to get with it...my supply is getting low. I realized I was just being selfish and got even more upset at myself!

...So when the person that gave me the money found out what I spent it on they went, "Uht, that's not a present!" Then the same person asked later when my last eye exam was...I replied that it has been 7 or 8 years. I got a raised voice at me again. I wanted to reply, "What? I am a wife and a mom, my family comes first." But didn't because I don't really stand up for myself.

Anyway, my question...if anyone is reading this is...I don't think I'm alone? Surely every mother gives up her wants and needs for her husband and children...right? I felt completely ostracized by this other mother for not doing for myself. Is it really so bad to give all you have for your family?

Well, this was just a late night rant so I could unload...and I know I probably contradicted myself but maybe now I will be able to sleep instead of thinking about it all night! Goodnight cyber world!