Pease remember this is from a man seperated from his family...and he is in a place none of us can even begin to imagine, physically and emotionally. He needs to get things off his chest too. He is just like me and keeps his anger hidden until he blows his top. I am so glad to see he has learned to try and at least write his feelings down. Before you had to drag this stuff out of him! I encouraged him to start a blog a while ago and I think only ever posted one thing! But now, at least, he has found an outlet for his emotions! He told me a couple weeks ago that their church service was on forgiveness and that he finally broke down and cried in front of all of them. He talked about how hard it was to show them his weakness but how nobody judged him for it. He talked to them about how he felt he was wronged and how it was so hard to forgive. Then a little later in our visit he actually laughed! So without further intro, here's the letter I found in his property:
1-09-12 4:30a.m. Stuff on my mind. Enjoy.
I don't know how to put this. I hate being here, I can not stand it! Every night I can not sleep at all. I have to stay awake until I am dog tired so that I can go to sleep. I can't stand it! If I try to lay down and go to sleep I start to think about stuff. About the hate that I have. I try to pray and ask God to help me forgive people. I try to pray for the devil to leave me alone, but it still comes up. I just want to start yelling. I can't stand this. Why does this have to happen to me? Even now when I am writing this letter the frustration is blinding. Every thing seems to hit me at once, like my spelling and stuff. And ways to write it and how to write it. Right now I am getting mad at this stupid letter just because of me writing it! I have no clue how to stop it except to get exhausted. And yes, I know I can not let it get to me, but you know, it's a lot harder to let go than you think. I mean, I'd rather write it down on paper than talk about it to someone. And it seems if I talk about it the madder I get and the more I want to drop it. There is so much I want to say to people, but I am so afraid of saying something stupid and making myself look stupid. Like this letter. I feel like I am stupid for writing it because of my spelling and whatever comes with it. I hate it! And if I seek out help I feel even more retarded. I just want to be done with it all. I hate this part of my life. Being in here and all the crap I am being put through. Part of me wants to go insane! I mean go completely overboard, start yelling at whoever crosses my path. There are a lot, a lot, of people I would love to yell at right now. I don't care who I hurt at all. In ways the people who did this and let this happen have created a monster. They just better stay the h*** away from me when I get out cause I will bite their heads off. And NO, I do not want to talk about it, that will just make things worse for me and other people. In a way I want to deal with it on my own. You know, I think writing this stuff down will help me a little. I am going to start speaking my mind and I'm going to start telling people what I think. I will point stuff out when I see it!
1 comments:
After my son died, I learned that it truly is a choice to be sane. It seemed fake and shallow to participate in a world that had turned its back on me. Certainly letting grief and sorrow overcome me seemed more genuine, and I mean complete insanity was my path. Keep to the scriptures. Don't trust your mind or your emotions. Keep to the Word. He will guide you, protect you and give you strength. I would simply ask the Lord, as soon as anger, doubt and fear, even hopelessness, sneaked in - PLEASE WIPE THIS AWAY!
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